Through The Darkness
by spaztronaut
Summary: (Post TFH!) Sydney and Adrian are each trying to get by after their worst fears were realized. Will they survive the darkness that has engulfed them? And will they be able to find their way back to each other once they do?
1. Chapter One: Adrian

**Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.**

**Okay, let's try this again. I couldn't manage to get my post-TIS story to work, so I'm trying again with TFH and yes. I'm using the same name because, well. It's sort of perfect for a post-TFH story. This time I'm working hard to make this story work and have already written and planned a good portion of it. I don't know how long it will be, but I hope it will be emotional enough to at least sort of prepare us for whatever torture Richelle Mead has planned for Silver Shadows. With all of that said, here is the first chapter of the brand new, now post-TFH ****_Through The Darkness_****.**

**(THE FIERY HEART SPOILERS AHEAD)**

Lazily lifting a finger in the air, I signaled the bartender I was in need of another round, while trying to ignore the hard look my dragon drinking companion was giving me.

Hopper might have been stuck in his rock form, but that didn't stop me from feeling the judgment emanating off of him. If I was being honest, it wasn't Hopper's emotions I was feeling, it was my own. Or maybe I was just on one of those too-low lows the psychologist I'd spoken to once—Einstein, I'd nicknamed him—had told me about. Just another thing to add to the Why My Life Sucks column.

Some people would say I had it easy; growing up with money, power, popularity, good looks. Those people would be one hundred percent wrong. I had lots of problems in my life, the state of my mental health being the biggest one until recently. But apparently being a moody bipolar guy who was likely going insane due to the excessive amounts of spirit magic in his own body wasn't enough. No. Apparently someone thought I needed to be tortured more, punished more.

The thought of torture and punishment sent my mind reeling toward the one topic I was desperately trying to stay away from. That's why as soon as the bartender dropped my third shot of vodka in front of me, I tipped the glass back and prayed the buzz would keep all rational thought at bay for a little while longer.

"There you are," a vaguely familiar voice said to my left. I was too drunk to recognize it, but I didn't bother turning to see who it was, either. It didn't matter anyway. It never would, because it wasn't her. "Adrian," the voice said again with a long drawn out sigh.

A body, a large one, shifted into my peripheral vision and Dimitri Belikov took the stool next to me. I still didn't turn to face him. As my ex's current boyfriend, Dimitri was pretty much the last person I expected to show up looking for me, but here he was. And somehow all I wanted to do was punch him. I'd been back at Court for less than a week—in which I'd managed to avoid most of my friends—and already they were sending babysitters out after me. I waved for another drink.

"The last time I saw you," Dimitri said, watching me take my next shot, "you were doing so well. Why have you slipped back into this act?"

Rage sparked within me, but was quickly doused by all the alcohol I'd just ingested. I didn't have enough energy to be angry, and I definitely wasn't sober enough to try to feel anything for longer than a brief moment or two. That's why I was here in the first place, wasn't it? To numb myself? To forget?

"Who said it's an act?" I replied, already feeling like an asshole. Part of me knew Dimitri was only here because he was trying to help, but it didn't matter. Nothing did. "Maybe the guy you saw was the act. A rouse to make Rose realize what she was missing out on."

Dimitri didn't look like he believed me, but he was thoughtful for a few blessedly silent minutes. Ever since Sydney was taken away to be reeducated by the Alchemists, I'd been unable to be around my friends and their worried looks. Some of those friends knew what was going on between me and Sydney, friends like Jill and Eddie and Sydney's old teacher, Jackie. Even Marcus, a rebel alchemist, knew something was going on between us, even if he didn't know the details. They tried consoling me, counseling me, hell! They even had an intervention after I stopped taking my mood stabilizers and started drinking again. Angeline and Neil weren't exactly close with me—and didn't know anything about my relationship with Sydney—but even they were worried about my drinking. But now that we were back at Court, I'd give anything to be back there with those people. Interventions and all.

We'd flown in earlier this week, three days after the vote to have the family law changed so Jill wouldn't be in danger anymore passed. A faint light flickered in my chest when I thought about Jill running into her mother's arms when our plane landed in Philadelphia. She'd missed her mom more than anything else while we'd been in Palm Springs. I knew how she felt. I hadn't seen my mom in a while either. And probably wouldn't see her for a while still. But she wasn't the one I missed the most anymore.

"You know what I think?" Dimitri asked after waving the bartender over and ordering a Coke. "I think something happened and this is you trying to pretend it didn't."

Startled, I turned to look at him. He wasn't wrong, I just didn't expect him to come up with it. I didn't expect him to care enough to think about why I was trying to drink myself into a coma.

"You were taking pills to control spirit. I guess you stopped taking them," he said slowly and pointed at the empty shot glass in front of me. "I know you're worried about Sydney. I don't really understand what happened, but I'm sorry that it's hurting you."

"I don't—" I started to say I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't. I didn't want to think about how I'd failed her. How I'd played a role in her being taken and punished, just because she loved me. I couldn't think about how I might never see her again. But Dimitri cut me off.

"I know you had friends out in California and were going to college. I think Palm Springs was a place to escape from your reputation and now that you've found yourself back here, you're copping out and letting yourself change back into the person you once were."

Of course Dimitri didn't know about my relationship with Sydney or the truth behind my mood. That was one of the worst parts of this. No one understood what I was really feeling. They thought I was upset because my friend was reassigned and possibly in real trouble. They thought I felt the way Eddie did, like I'd failed her somehow.

I had failed her. I'd been the reason she was taken away in the first place. If I hadn't lost my phone, if I hadn't wanted her to come over so often, if I hadn't told her how I felt in the first place, if I had done things differently she might not be in this situation right now. She might have been here with me, or at least she wouldn't currently be being punished for being with me.

Dimitri took a sip of his Coke, letting me sink lower into my depression in silence. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, even though some part of me wished I could. I'd already asked Lissa for help finding Sydney a dozen times. If asked everyone I could think of. No one could track her, or get in touch with her in a spirit dream. I checked every single day with absolutely no luck. But I really wished I could turn to Dimitri and ask him to help me save the love of my life. I felt like he'd help if I could just find out where she was.

They'd all help—Rose, Lissa, everyone—but I had to find Sydney first and I was severely sucking at doing that. It was like everything else in my life. I wanted to accomplish a task, but I almost always ended up failing. I felt like the only reason I ever accomplished anything at all was because I had Sydney behind me, giving me moral support. And now that she was gone I was all alone, floundering once more.

Dimitri quietly finished his drink and threw some money on the bar. Then he was gone, back to Rose, back to his duty as a guardian, away from the sad drunk at the bar. And I was all alone again with my regret, my fears, Hopper and my empty shot glass.

"Another round?" The bartender was looking at me, vodka bottle in hand, but I waved him off and pulled myself off the bar stool. I paid for my drinks and put Hopper in my pocket. I'd had enough to drink. Besides, I didn't want to be alone anymore. Being alone left me too much time to think.

Problem was, there wasn't anyone I actually wanted to be around either. I couldn't be around Jill, not while I was so drunk and not with Eddie constantly following her around. She might have been safe from any rebels that wanted her dead, but with the way Eddie followed her, it sure didn't seem like it. A lot of that probably had to do with his feelings for her, but I knew some of it was because of his inability to save Sydney. He still apologized to me for failing her, and when he wasn't actually apologizing he was throwing me apologetic glances. I couldn't take it. I liked Eddie, but he couldn't distract me from my sorrow anymore than sitting alone at a bar could. After some thought I went to the only place I could hope to find at least a little distraction.

Sonya's "lab" was located in the back of the palace. It wasn't technically a lab in the obvious sense, more of an office with a lab table in the middle. A couch lined the right wall and I sunk down onto it, knowing standing would probably make it more obvious I was drunk. Not that Sonya couldn't tell the moment she looked at me.

"Oh, Adrian," she said quietly, and put the vial of blood she was studying away. "You look awful. Why don't you go home and sleep for awhile?"

"No," I said, sitting up. "Sleep won't help. I haven't been able to sleep in weeks." I tried to pull myself together enough that she might let me stay and help a little. "Besides, my dad's home and I could do without the lecture. I need to work. Or at least watch you work. I'm not that drunk."

Her mouth pulled into a grimace. "Too drunk to help me study this blood. As you are right now I'm not even sure you could tell me what color it is, let alone if there's any spirit left in it."

I snorted. "Probably a good call, anyway. Who would trust a drunk guy to save the world?"

"You've already done half the work," she said seriously. "You saw the spirit in Olive's blood. You saved it by charming the silver."

"And _you_ thought to put it in a tattoo which saved Neil."

"Only because _you_ thought that injecting it into someone like a vaccine might work. And Sydney did the hard part." Her mouth snapped shut and her eyes went wide, like she'd said some sort of bad word. I slumped back down on the couch.

Sydney had made that tattoo and she'd been brave enough to go with him to test it out. She'd faced down a Strigoi trying to prove the tattoo would work, that we could save people from monsters. And the very next day she was taken by a different set of monsters.

"Adrian." Her voice was soft and hesitant as she sat down beside me. "I know something was going on between the two of you and I know she's the reason you're..." she waved her hand at me, "doing this. I'm sorry I couldn't find her in a dream. I've tried every night since you asked me—"

"Sonya," I said, my voice thick, whether from alcohol or emotion I wasn't sure. Probably both. "You don't need to do that. I check all the time. Night, day, whenever. I can't find her. And if I can't find her there's no way you will. But I appreciate you trying, and Sydney would too."

She didn't look happy. "If you can't reach her it's probably because she's drugged."

"Yeah," I said, feeling like I never wanted to talk about this again after going over it in my own head so many times, but I didn't want to pretend like she didn't exist either. "And I don't know how to find her while she is. The Alchemists took her because she was too friendly with us. They'll change her way of thinking, try to make her hate us. And I'm afraid they'll hurt her while trying to do it." A humorless laugh ripped out of me. "Sydney can be pretty stubborn sometimes, especially in the face of danger. She won't just give in."

Sonya nodded. "That's one of the things I like best about Sydney," she said, then threw me a pointed look. "Do you think this is how she'd want you to handle it? By giving in?"

My shoulders slumped and I dropped my head forward. No, Sydney would be horrified by how I was handling all of this. An image of Sydney appeared in my mind's eye, and the disappointment on her beautiful face nearly undid me. "I don't know how else to handle it," I admitted quietly. "Without her... I don't know how to handle anything."

I could tell the confession startled her, even if she knew something had been going on between us. She hesitated and then looked me straight in the eye. "Maybe you should go back on your pills."

"No can do, Mrs. Tanner," I said with a forced laugh that somehow left me feeling emptier after it left my lips. "You were right. I need my magic too much. Even if I don't get anywhere, I... I can't stop looking. But, honestly." I sighed and shook my head. "I don't want to talk about this. I came here to be distracted for awhile, so distract me. Who'd you have to kill for the blood in that vial?" I asked, gesturing to the table.

It took a few seconds for Sonya to refocus on her experiment. She stood and brought the vial over for me to look at, even though all I could see was a dark red liquid inside. Not even a hint of spirit stirred within me.

"It's Neil's," she said. "He stopped by yesterday to let me take a sample. There's a low hum of spirit in it, but that's it. No sign that it's any special protection from Strigoi. I keep thinking... hmm."

"Thinking what?" I asked, happy with my decision to come here. This science stuff was just the distraction I needed, plus it was something Sydney would want me to be helping with. Something she wouldn't be disappointed in me for.

"I keep thinking maybe we should inject some of his blood into another test subject, but that would be diluting it, wouldn't it? And we couldn't test it unless the test subject was bitten by a Strigoi. There are too many ways that could go wrong to even contemplate it. We're just lucky Neil wasn't killed when he tested his tattoo."

She was right about that. Neil, Eddie and Sydney had lucked out when they went after a Strigoi in Los Angeles a few weeks ago. They'd been able to kill the Strigoi because Jill, along with Angeline and Trey, had shown up at the last minute and caused a distraction. Thinking about how dangerous the plan they'd come up with had been and how Sydney had gone along with it anyway stirred something within me. Sydney was always so brave in the face of danger. She'd been brave that night, and the night we were attacked by a psycho witch named Alicia, and even back when we'd been attacked by a couple Strigoi when our friend Lee turned out to be less a friend and more a serial killer. She'd stood up to Lee and the Strigoi, even when they'd tried to drink her blood—

"Huh," I grunted, an idea occurring to me.

"Huh, what?" Sonya asked. She was looking at me in a way I wasn't used to being looked at. She looked at me the way you look at a colleague, someone who's ideas you respect.

"It's just..." I started off slowly, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn't want her to stop looking at me like that because I was too drunk to think straight. "When Sydney and I were attacked by Strigoi, they couldn't drink her blood, which is the same thing that happened when Neil was bitten." Sonya nodded along. "But Lee couldn't drink from her either. He kept trying, but said he couldn't stomach it. He was Moroi."

Sonya's eyes widened. "Adrian, you're a genius!" She leaned forward and enveloped me in a hug, before jumping off the couch and taking the vial of Neil's blood with her.

She sat down at a stool at the lab table and uncorked the vial. "If Lee wasn't able to drink from Sydney than I shouldn't be able to drink from Neil." She dipped a pinky into the blood and brought it to her lips.

I watched with bated breath, waiting for her reaction. Lee had been disgusted by Sydney's blood because he was a rescued Strigoi. When I'd tasted Sydney's blood by accident she'd tasted just fine. More than fine, really. Her blood was the best thing I'd ever tasted because it was her's, because it was a part of her and I wanted to be connected to her in every way possible. So, if I was right, Sonya should be grimacing in disgust right about now.

Only, she wasn't.

She dipped another finger and licked the blood off that one as well. "It tastes okay," she said, utterly disappointed. "It doesn't taste great, but I think that's because it's been in the vial for so long."

We stared at each other for a few minutes. The hope she'd had a moment ago was completely gone from her, and me for that matter. I'd felt a burst of confidence when I'd had the idea, like maybe I really _could_ accomplish something, and now I felt the same as I had at the bar. Useless. But then Sonya's face lit up again.

"What?" I asked. "Bad aftertaste?"

She laughed and smiled at me. "No, well, a little bit. But I realized why it didn't work." I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her revelation. "It's because I'm a _spirit user_! When a spirit user comes back from the undead it affects us differently because we already have spirit in us. Our bodies process it differently. It's why I can still use my magic when other Moroi, like Lee, can't. This experiment will work," she said, excitedly. "We just need a saved Moroi to test it on."

"Too bad you're the only one we have lying around," I said. But I was feeling better. My idea would work, we just had to test it on the right person. If this worked, we might have found a way to safely test the Strigoi vaccine.

"But there are others," she assured me. "Not many, but they're out there. Now we just have to find them."

Sonya jumped off her stool and happily strode from the room, telling me she had to go tell Lissa about our idea. This would work, I knew it would, and I was happy to have played a part in it, but I couldn't help the swirl of anger in my chest. Sonya would tell Lissa they needed a Moroi test subject and the queen would go out of her way to find one. But there was still no one to help me find Sydney. No one to help correct this unspeakable wrong that had been done to someone I loved.

I sighed and stood up from the couch. Unfortunately even helping save the world wasn't enough to distract me from my heartbreak.


	2. Chapter Two: Sydney

**Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.**

**I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. I wanted to have a one shot up too, but this story keeps jumping up and down shouting "Write me! Write me!" whenever I try to work on something else. I guess that's a good thing, right?**

I don't know what they were thinking with this whole reeducation thing.

Being cold, dirty, and more than a little hungry, was not exactly winning me over to the Alchemist cause. Not to mention the fact that I was still naked. I sat in the corner of the room, trying to keep myself in a tight ball to conserve heat. It didn't work as well as I would have liked, but it was better than nothing, which was what I had.

Nothing. Just four walls, a floor, a toilet and a sink. A sink with only cold water. I'd tried giving myself a bath once using the antiseptic hand-soap the Alchemists couldn't help but leave in the room, but quickly realized I'd rather smell than freeze to death.

I wasn't sure how long I'd been here. The robotic voice that occasionally spoke to me never mentioned things like time. They kept me drugged a lot of the time, I think. I wasn't sure how long they kept me under, but they knocked me out every time I disagreed with them. Robot Voice would come over the speakers telling me to admit my sins and purge my soul, I'd tell her I hadn't sinned, and a few seconds later the world would go black. Well, the world was already pretty black since they hadn't turned on the lights since that first day, but whenever I disagreed with them I'd lose consciousness.

I'd come to the conclusion that they must be pumping the drugs through an air vent because they could drug me at any time, whether or not I'd had water or food. I'd just drop to the cold, hard floor whenever they didn't like my attitude. And I had more than a few scrapes and bruises to prove just how hard the floor really was.

I pulled my legs closer to my chest, fighting off a sudden burst of frigid air. They did that sometimes. They usually kept my cell at a steady temperature of absolutely-freezing, but occasionally they'd bump it up to Hell's-about-to-freeze-over. If I could see anything in this darkness I was sure I'd see wisps of my own breath in the air and probably even slightly blue fingertips and toes. I'd been cold for so long I was surprised I hadn't developed frost bite yet. But the Alchemists were smarter than that. They wanted me so uncomfortable I'd give in to them, but not in any actual physical danger. If I was close to hyperthermia or frost bite they'd probably warm the room up. I suspected it was one of the reasons they knocked me out so often. To keep me unconscious when conditions in the cell became a little more comfortable.

For as much as they knocked me out, they had yet to let me actually sleep. The druggings were not sleep as far as I was concerned. It was fitful and uncomfortable and I always woke up feeling groggy and dizzy and a little sick. And then there was the lack of dreaming, of _any_ kind.

I knew drugs prevented the use of magic and that even if Adrian was trying to reach out to me—which I knew he was—he'd never be able to pull me into a spirit dream. I tried to fall asleep as much as possible, even if it was hopeless while there were drugs in my system. The Alchemists never let me though. Robot Voice would start speaking whenever I closed my eyes and if I did manage to drift off they'd play a blaring noise through the speakers to wake me.

All in all, I pretty much hated this place. If I could have set fire to the building and burned it to the ground I would have, but unfortunately for me, the drugs also prevented me from using a fireball on the first person who walked through the door. My magic was out of commission for the moment and Adrian's was too.

The thought of Adrian simultaneously warmed me and sent a shiver down my spine. I'd thought about him often. Nearly every moment of my time in here had been spent remembering the way his hands felt on my hips, or the way his voice sounded as he whispered against my ear. I hoped he was okay, but I knew he'd be freaking out about my abduction. I just hoped he was handling it okay. After everything he'd been through he was finally getting his life together: going to school, taking mood stabilizers to control spirit. And now _I_ was the one who might send him over the edge. Not even being kept in a dark room for weeks, naked and against my will, made me as angry as the thought that, by locking me up, the Alchemists might be condemning Adrian to suffer from spirit darkness.

I knew him, and as much as I hoped he'd stay on the pills and try to find another way to get to me, I knew he'd go right to spirit. If he could reach me in a dream he could keep me company through this, we could come up with some sort of plan. These stupid drugs! Why couldn't they just let me sleep?

I held out hope that Ms. Terwilliger could do a spell to find me, but as the days passed, my hope was beginning to fade. If Adrian knew where I was he would have already busted down the door.

Another frigid blast of air hit me and I gasped. It was almost painfully cold in here now.

"How are you today, Sydney?" the voice asked, coldly polite and disembodied as always.

"Pretty cold," I shivered, my teeth chattering.

"That's how it feels inside of your soul," it said in a monotone that made me want to roll my eyes. I might have if I wasn't so cold. "Cold and dark. Not a nice place to live, is it? We can make you feel better if you just confess your sins."

This was the same routine the voice and I had every day—or, at least, every time I was conscious. Sometimes I'd argue with her, telling her I hadn't sinned. Other times I'd gesture rudely into the air, knowing they had night vision cameras set up in here somewhere. Today I just ignored her, pressing my face into my knees, too cold to fight.

The voice was undeterred. "You have a guest today, Sydney. We hope you'll feel better after speaking to her."

My head snapped up. A guest? This was new. I'd never had a guest before. No one had ever been in my cell before. I stood as a part of the wall opened up in front of me. I felt less selfconscious than I ever thought I would at the idea of being naked in front of someone. Someone who was not Adrian, that is.

Slowly, the lights came up, giving me time to adjust to the brightness. A woman stood in front of me, wearing a long white coat over a slim pencil skirt. She had a fuzzy white robe in one hand. My eyes fixated on it and I couldn't look away, even when the woman introduced herself.

"Hello, Sydney," she said, and her voice wasn't unkind, but it still sent a shiver of fear down my spine. "My name is Dr. Alvarez and I'll be helping you through this crisis period." She must have noticed my shiver and misinterpreted it, because she held out the robe to me. "It's quite chilly in here, isn't it? Here, please. Take it."

If I'd been thinking I never would have reached for the robe, I would have shown guts and determination and ignored her. But I was so cold. I'd been so cold for so long. And standing in front of this woman, naked and in the full illumination of the lights, was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. It was one thing to _know_ they were watching me through the cameras, but I could actually feel her eyes on me and I suddenly wanted nothing more than to cover up. I guess I was still more self conscious than I'd hoped. Before I could think better of it, I grabbed the robe and pulled it on. It was just as fuzzy and plush as it looked. I was still cold, but it was better.

Once I was decent she called in two men who set chairs down in my cell. Dr. Alvarez took one and gestured for me to take the other. As the men were leaving I got a good look into the hall beyond the door, but there wasn't much to see. Just white walls and more white walls. The thought of picking up the chair as a weapon and fighting my way out occurred to me, but dissipated just as quickly as I saw the guns on both men's hips. The door slid closed and my chance was gone.

"Please, Sydney," Dr. Alvarez said, gesturing to the chair again. "Take a seat so we can talk."

I didn't want to talk to this woman, but I sat down anyway, thankful to be off the floor for even a few minutes. Now that my eyes had fully adjusted to the light, I could study her. She looked like any other Alchemist. Ordinary business attire, except for that white coat. Her brown hair was pulled up into a sleek, harsh bun on the back of her head and she had a small mole on the left side of her face. She was pretty, in a severe sort of way. I couldn't tell how old she was, but I'd guess a little younger than my mom. Her brown eyes appeared kind, but I had no doubt about her intentions as she smiled at me.

"I know this can't be easy for you," she said gently. "And I know you might not understand it right now, but I'm going to try to help you through this. I want nothing more than for you to be released from this place, a happy, healthy member of society."

"Then let me go and I'll definitely be healthier. The thermostat in here is broken and I think I'm getting a cold," I remarked, trying to smile innocently. Not that it was any use, but giving them an attitude made me feel better about being locked up. It's what Adrian would've done.

"I'd love to, Sydney, I really would," Dr. Alvarez said, ignoring the attitude. "But you're in here for a reason and this," she gestured around the cell, "is all for your own good. My job is to get to the root of the reason you ended up here. Do you know the reason you're here?"

"Of course I do," I smiled again. "I'm here because my father and sister don't approve of my choice of boyfriend."

Dr. Alvarez narrowed her eyes this time, but other than that didn't betray her light, genial smile. Still, I liked that the attitude was getting to her.

"Ah, yes. The boyfriend," she said casually. "Would you mind telling me about him? I'd love to know more about him and why your father disapproves."

I blinked at her. Did she really think I was that stupid?

"I do mind, actually," I told her, dropping the innocent act for an insolent one. I'd had enough. "I'm not telling you anything about him or anyone else, for that matter."

"Sydney, please," Dr. Alvarez pleaded. "I'm just trying to do my job here. I want to help you. I _can_ help you, if you'd just talk to me."

"I don't need your help."

She'd, apparently, had enough of my attitude, because her smile finally dropped and her tone turned cold. "I'm sorry to hear that, Sydney."

She stood from her chair and turned toward the door. The two men from before were standing there when the door slid open. They rushed in and collected both chairs, forcing me back to my feet. Dr. Alvarez held a hand out towards me and I stared at it a moment, wondering why she'd offer to shake hands with me after that mildly hostile encounter. But then I realized she was waiting for the robe back.

It was tempting to keep the robe, but I knew the Alchemists would never let me. Even if Dr. Alvarez left without getting those guys to rip it off of me—an scenario I wasn't interested in exploring—I knew they'd just drug me and take it back once I was passed out. Slowly, I let the warm terrycloth fall down my shoulders and then handed it off to the doctor. She didn't smile, but nodded her head like I'd done something she'd expected. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not.

"I know you don't trust me yet," she said, watching me from the doorway. Her brown eyes were kind, but I could see her wheels turning, trying to pick me apart piece by piece until there was nothing left but an empty shell. "I hope someday you might, though. I really do want to help you through all of this, Sydney."

The lights flicked out and I sank back against the wall. Then she turned to go, leaving me to the cold and my own loneliness for a while longer.

That's the thing about being alone. You feel it, deep in your bones, and it hurts like a physical thing.

It didn't matter that I _knew_ Adrian was out there somewhere, loving me no matter what. It didn't matter that I _knew_ my mom and sisters were out there. They were all my family, and I knew in my heart they all loved me.

Even Zoe.

I couldn't imagine what had happened after Dad abducted me. I knew Zoe had been there, but I wasn't sure what he'd do with her afterwards. He definitely would have had her pulled out of Palm Springs, not wanting her to be around the vampires who'd corrupted one of his daughters already. I felt guilt wash over me as I realized that my actions had probably swung Zoe over to Dad's side permanently. She'd never choose to live with Mom now.

Being locked away, I had no way of knowing if my parent's custody battle had happened already or not. Last I knew, it hadn't been scheduled yet, but I wasn't sure how much time had passed. I thought it had been a few weeks, maybe. But I could've been wrong. It was hard to keep track when everything was always so dark. My dad wouldn't have hesitated to lie to a judge about my absence. And he would have had no problem forging some sort of affidavit saying I thought he was the better parent.

My heart sank as I realized my dad could have full custody of Zoe already. She had been doing so well before everything fell apart. She'd taken driving lessons with Eddie, laughed with Jill about Angeline's silliness. She'd even gone out with them all for ice cream. She'd been coming around. If I hadn't been so stupid and selfish I could have gotten her away from Dad's control. But now she was doomed to live her life the way I had up until last year when I met Rose Hathaway in Russia.

Could I hope Zoe would see the light one day? That she'd run into some lovable, wild dhampir who would turn the old Alchemist stereotypes on their head for her? Even if that did happen, how long before the Alchemists found out and locked her away in this prison, same as me?

How could I let this happen? I was no good to anyone locked away, least of all Zoe. And what about Jill? What good was I doing her if I was locked away? Who would help her with her chemistry homework and math? What other Alchemist would understand the real danger she was in from the rebel Moroi out to find her? No one knew she'd already been killed, they didn't know about the bond between her and Adrian.

And Adrian. I could hardly think of him at the moment, my longing for him was so powerful. What must he be going through right now? Eddie would have no doubt told him about what happened. Had he told him the words I'd claimed were a sleeping spell that he could use on the Alchemists? Would Adrian have figured them out even if he had?

_Centrum permanebit_. The center will hold. Even if Adrian figured out that the words were meant for him, would he believe them? Would he hold them to his heart and know that no matter what happened next, I would always love him?

For the first time since the Alchemists abducted me, I felt myself beginning to break down. I usually avoided thinking about things too hard, just for this reason. But talking to Dr. Alvarez—or _not_ talking to her, really—had dredged up everything I'd been trying to bury away.

This was unfair and wrong and horrible in so many ways that all I wanted to do was curl up in the corner and cry. And I was cold and my skin was raw and hurt wherever it touched the damp concrete walls and floor. I wanted to crawl out of my body and go someplace else for a little while, but I couldn't even do _that_ because the bastards wouldn't let me sleep!

I took a deep breath, and then another, and another. I kept breathing until my head felt light and the edges of my vision started to go black. They were pumping drugs into the room, right on schedule.

I closed my eyes and let the darkness take me away, even though it wasn't to the place I wanted to go.


	3. Chapter Three: Adrian

**Richelle Mead owns the VA and Bloodlines series.**

**Happy Holidays everyone! Hope you have a good New Year! Have you all read my latest one shot? It's an AH story for anyone who's into that. If you haven't checked it out yet, I hope you will. And if you haven't checked out my collection of one shots (Sydrian One Shots) I hope you do and that you enjoy them :)**

I wished I was drunk.

It was that time of day, dream walking time, so I'd had to sober up a bit to get control over spirit. I needed spirit to connect with Sydney—or try, at least. But spirit was acting up today and all I really wanted was a nice stiff drink to take the edge off the darkness swirling around inside my head.

Instead I sank down to my bed and pulled the purple piece of fabric out of my bottom drawer the way I did every night. I held it against my face and inhaled deeply. The shirt I'd made for her still smelled like Sydney and it relaxed me. But even as the traces of her scent made me feel better, panic rippled through me at the thought that it was fainter than it was yesterday. How much longer would I be able to smell her perfume on it? How much longer after that before I started to forget the way the light reflected the amber glints in her eyes?

I balled her shirt up in my hand and leaned back against the mattress, wanting nothing more than to drink those thoughts into oblivion. But I had business to take care of still. No matter how hopeless, I still had to try.

_You do try_, said a voice that sounded suspiciously like Sydney. _You can't do more than try._

I squeezed my eyes tighter. It wasn't the first time I'd heard her voice in my head over the past two months, but it was the first time she'd said something directly to me. Usually it was just a memory of something she'd said, sometimes it was something I thought she'd say if she were here. But this was her voice... talking to me.

"Trying isn't enough. It won't bring you back."

_Maybe not,_ she said, _but it means something. Everyone else has given up._

"I won't give up," I whispered, my eyes still shut tight. I couldn't bring myself to open them. I was afraid she'd be there if I did. But I was even more afraid she wouldn't be there. I knew if she was there it'd be a delusion, a hallucination. A sign that spirit was finally taking over my mind completely. But if a delusion gave me one more glimpse of Sydney, I couldn't bring myself to care.

I could picture her beautiful smiling face, those eyes that made my heart beat faster whenever they looked at me, her gorgeous body and the way it felt pressed up against me. But, just like with her scent on the shirt, how much longer would those memories last? A year, two, maybe five? I'd forget things about her eventually. I'd forget the sound of her voice, or the way her arms would tighten around me when I kissed her. Eventually she'd be nothing more than a dream, a girl I fantasized about more than remembered. Maybe one day I'd wake up and realize I'd made her up entirely.

That's the thing I was most afraid of. That one day I'd forget all of the real things about her and spirit would make up new ones for me to fixate on. That she really would be gone from me.

When I finally opened my eyes she wasn't there, just the wall of my childhood bedroom—full of old sketches and posters of bikini models. She didn't speak to me anymore either, even after I used a good amount of spirit to check in on her in dreams. The same black wall that always blocked me was there.

The dream walking never worked. Ever. The black wall was always there, either that or Sydney was just off the grid entirely and I couldn't find her at all. But I couldn't give up, just like I'd told spirit-induced Sydney.

A few hours later I woke up and rolled out of bed. No one wanted much from me these days and there was no one I wanted to spend my time with, so I took my sweet time getting up. I needed to wash my hair and shower, so I did, but it did nothing for my exhausted appearance. I looked like a train wreck and I didn't care.

Dad was gone by the time I went downstairs—thank god. He wasn't thrilled with me being home. He didn't mind my being here as much as he didn't like the way I raided the liquor cabinet and came and went at all hours of the day. To him I must have appeared as the same old good-for-nothing Adrian he'd always known. He didn't care that I was in obvious distress. He didn't care about me, period. If he did he might have asked why I was so upset, maybe he might have even helped me in my mission to find Sydney. But he avoided me just as much as I avoided him. He'd never help me find the human girl I loved, because Sydney would never meet his standards. He'd tell me I was better off. I couldn't take that right now, not without trying to strangle him, at least. So avoidance was key for both of us.

But avoidance wasn't a solid plan for all of the people in my life. Some of them did care enough to ask what was wrong. But none of them—well, aside from one or two—actually wanted to hear it.

Rose caught up to me as I came back to my Dad's townhouse that night after a day fueled with vodka.

"Adrian! Wait up, would you?" She jogged up as I turned up the steps to the front door. "Your gargantuan legs are bigger than mine."

"Gargantuan?" I smirked, still feeling the buzz of the vodka. "I think you have me confused with Belikov, little dhampir."

She grinned. "Alright, gargantuan might be better suited to Dimitri, but don't sell yourself short. You're fairly tall yourself. At least, compared to me."

"You, better than anyone, know that size doesn't matter. You're proof of that," I joked, but really all I wanted was to go inside and lie down for a while. Drinking made spirit calm and gave me a decent buzz, but my head was starting to pound and I felt a little tired.

"It's true," she said, looking pleased with herself. Then her expression turned serious. "You don't look so good. We should go inside."

"I'm fine," I told her, but I did feel a little queasy suddenly, so I unlocked the front door and led her inside to the living room.

Before my mom had gone away to prison she'd had the whole downstairs of the house redecorated. Everything was shades of gray and blue. Very modern and expensive looking, but not very inviting. Still, Rose made herself at home on the sofa.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said, looking at me like you would a crazy person. I felt crazy. I probably was crazy. "I know you're having a hard time with this transition back to Court, but this," she gestured to my bedraggled appearance, "is getting out of hand." She sighed and her expression crumbled, just a little. "Adrian, I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't care."

"So suddenly you care about me," I snapped. I didn't really mean to, but the pity in her eyes was annoying me. I didn't want pity, I wanted someone to... to give me Sydney back.

"I've always cared about you, Adrian," she said softly. "And seeing you like this... You were doing so well. You'd quit smoking—"

"I didn't start that up again," I interjected, as if that one thing could make up for the rest of my behavior.

"You'd quit drinking," she went on, ignoring me. "You were back in school. You were happy. I want to see you get back to that. We all do: me, Lissa, Sonya. We're worried about you. We're worried about spirit."

I shook my head, knowing where she was going with this. "I already told Sonya, I can't go back on the pills. I need spirit too much. Especially now, with Sydney missing."

"Adrian, please," she pleaded. "I know you're worried about Sydney, but you can't keep using spirit while you're like this."

"What? Did they send you with a bottle of mood stabilizers to ram down my throat?"

"No," she said quietly. "Just to try to convince you to take care of yourself."

I sank down into a wingback chair, my head falling into my hands. It wasn't that I didn't know how out of hand spirit was getting, it was that I couldn't stop using it. I couldn't give up. I couldn't stop trying.

"Look, Adrian, I know how you feel. Sydney's my friend too and if there was anything I could do to get in touch with her—"

I whipped my head up so fast she flinched back in surprise. "No, you don't know. You don't know anything about the way I feel. Or what's happening to her right now. Because if you did you'd be the first one out there kicking some Alchemist ass trying to rescue her! Damn it, Rose! Why won't anyone listen to me? I'm not just throwing a temper tantrum because I don't like change or don't want to be back at Court or whatever it is you think I'm doing! I'm trying to be the person I'm meant to be. I'm trying to be the person Sydney thought I was. I'm trying to save her because if you knew anything about her you'd know she wants to be saved from whatever those psychopaths are doing to her."

Rose looked away from me. I knew I probably looked terrible, my hair sticking up at awkward angles and my eyes blazing and red from lack of sleep, but I didn't think that was the reason she couldn't look me in the eye. I was pretty sure it was because she knew I was right.

"I'm sorry. You're right," she said softly. "You guys had more contact with Sydney than I did. If something was going on with her you'd know more about it than me. And I know you're not just throwing a tantrum, Adrian. You and Eddie and Jill are all desperate to find her, but there's nothing we can do. We can't demand the Alchemists release her. We can't storm their headquarters and drag her out. We don't even know where she is. If we knew than maybe... But as of right now there isn't much we can do." She did look upset about it, I had to give her that. "She is my friend, Adrian. I wouldn't abandon her if I had a real plan to rescue her."

"I know that," I muttered, uselessly running a hand through my hair.

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "She's strong. I'm sure she'll be okay. I wish I could say I knew a way to help her."

"That's what I'm trying to do. I just don't know how. Spirit dreams don't work. And how else—"

"Maybe they just don't work with humans," she suggested.

"No, they do. I've visited Sydney before." Rose looked more than a little startled by the admission. Probably because she was wondering why Sydney would let an evil creature visit her dreams. "The only explanation for this is drugs, or something more sinister. Some alchemist compound that prevents the use of magic or... I don't know. Something." I jumped up and began pacing the cold, stark living room. "This is what I'm talking about. The Alchemists have all sorts of tricks in their arsenal. Stuff we don't know about. They could be doing anything to her. Anything!"

"Adrian," she said slowly. "You've said there are other people looking for her? Friends of hers?"

I'd begged Rose and Lissa's help when I'd first come back to Court, telling them a little about Marcus and Jackie's attempts to find Sydney—leaving out all of the magic, of course. I couldn't even begin to know how to explain that to them.

"There are, but they aren't having any better luck than I am at this point."

She nodded. "Well, if they figure it out, let me know. I'll do whatever you need. But," she looked concerned, "maybe in the meantime... Maybe you should let them worry about this."

This was the thing, the thing no one understood. The thing I wasn't allowed to explain to them because I was afraid they'd never understand. Sure, Marcus and Jackie were both out there, dedicatedly searching for other ways to find Sydney, but Marcus was just a guy with a similar mission statement. And Jackie loved Sydney, but she was her mentor and teacher. I was her _boyfriend_. I was the one who was supposed to take care of her. I was the one they called every time a lead fell through or another location spell failed. This task fell squarely on my shoulders, yet my friends thought I should leave it to everyone else. Maybe because I'd been leaving everything to everyone else all my life.

"You've had a lot to drink tonight. Spirit must barely be working." She said it gently, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

"It works enough to dreamwalk."

Rose sighed again. "But you shouldn't be using spirit when you're so down like this. It's a cycle. Use spirit, get depressed, use spirit some more, get more depressed. It won't stop until you—"

"Until I what?" I demanded, after she cut herself off abruptly.

At first I wasn't sure she'd answer me, her lips were pressed together so tightly. But then she lifted her chin and narrowed her eyes. "It won't stop until your either insane or dead. And then what good will you do Sydney?"

I flinched back, her words eerily similar to something Sydney'd said to me once.

"Lissa and Sonya are worried about you. Jill's worried about you. I'm worried you. Go back on those pills you were taking. Get yourself stable. Then you can worry about Sydney. Or better yet, worry about your own life. Maybe find a nice girl. You seemed to hit it off with Nina." She smiled a small, hopeful smile. "Take her out for coffee or dinner or something. It'd be good for you."

I knew she was only trying to help, but I just wanted her to leave me alone. I didn't want to hear what was good for me. What was good for me didn't matter, not when Sydney was gone. She was what was good for me. Rose stared, waiting for a response. I just sighed, not wanting to fight with her, but unwilling to inadvertently agree to anything.

Nina, the spirit user who'd recently saved her sister from life as a Strigoi, seemed to be very interested in getting to know me better, something I figured would change if she saw me wasting away at a bar day after day. Honestly, I didn't really care what she thought. And Nina wasn't even the only girl to be interested despite my binge drinking. They'd been coming out of the woodwork ever since I'd gotten back to Court. It'd never been so easy to get a girl in my entire life and the only one I wanted was locked away somewhere, being brainwashed to hate me. Oh, sweet irony.

I was actually a little amazed Rose hadn't picked up on the truth yet. She was a guardian, she was trained to be hyper observant, yet she didn't see the pain in my eyes for what it was. Heartbreak. No matter how good a friend she was to me or Sydney, us being in a relationship never even crossed her mind. Human/Moroi relationships were taboo, especially to the people here at Court.

"Please, think about it," Rose said, standing. "Trying to find Sydney is a noble cause, Adrian. But is it really the reason you won't go back on your pills, or are you just using it as an excuse to let spirit win?"

I didn't answer. I wanted to tell her why I needed to find Sydney. I wanted to tell her that was the reason I couldn't go back on the pills. But some small part of me, a part that sounded a bit like Sydney—though I was currently too drunk to be hallucinating her voice—said she might be on to something. Spirit wasn't finding Sydney, and getting drunk night after night wasn't finding her either. But spirit was the only weapon in my arsenal. I wasn't like Sydney. I wasn't resourceful and brilliant. And I wasn't like Rose, who'd just punch the answers out of someone. Spirit was the only option I had.

Thankfully Rose left me alone after that and I spent the next few hours sobering up for my nightly check in on Sydney. The same cloudy black wall as always blocked me, but I still tried, again and again, until I was too exhausted to summon spirit any longer.

I woke up the next day to the buzzing of my phone. My heart jumped around inside my chest the way it always did when my phone rang these days. Was it Marcus, had he found her? Jackie, maybe? But no, as I checked my phone I saw it was just Lissa.

"What can I do for you, cousin?" I asked, groggily, rubbing my eyes.

"You can get down here as soon as possible, that's what you can do," she said excitedly. I knew I shouldn't, but still, my hopes soared as I prayed Sydney had somehow escaped reeducation and made her way to Court. If anyone could do it, it was her. "It's the vaccine," Lissa went on. "We're about to make a breakthrough!"

My hopes fell, but my interest was piqued. The vaccine was important to me and Sydney. It was something we were both invested in, and I wanted to see it work. I even got cleaned up and did my hair, hoping to look less like a sad, heartbroken man and more like a dashingly charismatic scientist, even if it was only a facade.

When I arrived at the palace everyone was gathered in a sitting room around a tall Moroi guy. He was talking quietly with Sonya and Lissa. I wasn't sure what was going on or who this guy was, but everyone was so focused on him that no one noticed me come in.

Well, almost no one.

"Adrian!" Jill chirped, gesturing for me to take a seat beside her, across from Mystery Guy. "Come on, you have to meet Benedict."

Benedict turned away from Sonya and smiled at Jill in a gentlemanly way that seemed out of place, somehow, before turning to me. He reached a hand out for me to shake. "Benedict Asarov. Good to meet you."

"Adrian Ivashkov. Same to you."

I sat down next to Jill. Eddie stood next to her, his focus one hundred percent on anticipating any threatening moves this guy might make on her. I almost wanted to tell him I wasn't getting any bad vibes from this guy. A quick check of his aura showed he was perfectly relaxed and friendly. But there was something off about him, something I couldn't put my finger on. The way he carried himself maybe? Too formally, despite being in the presence of the queen.

"So you're the one Sonya has been telling me about," Benny—my new name for him since Benedict reminded me of eggs and how could you take someone seriously when they sounded like a breakfast food?—said, studying me. "She said you've come up with a way to create a vaccine against Strigoi."

I turned to see her smiling at me. "It was Sonya's idea in the first place. I just helped a little."

Benny nodded. "Well, then. I suppose it's my turn to help a little too. What do you need me to do?"

As Sonya started talking it finally clicked. Benny was here to test the vaccinated blood. Which meant he used to be Strigoi. Sonya handed him a vial of Neil's blood and explained how, if Neil's tattoo worked the way it was supposed to, he wouldn't be able to drink it. We already knew it worked with actual Strigoi, but if it worked with Benny then we had a way to test the vaccine without risking the death of our test subjects.

Everyone in the room was on edge, waiting to see if our game changing vaccine was about to be taken to the next level or not. Lissa and Rose looked on eagerly, leaning against there respective boyfriends. Neil was practically shaking in anticipation and Olive stood close, holding his hand. Nina, who was standing with her sister, met my eye and smiled. I smiled back out of habit more than cheer.

Then Benny tipped back the vial and all eyes were on him again. Thoughts of Nina and smiling and happiness of any kind flew out the window as Benny gagged on Neil's blood. The only thing that filled me in that moment was exultation.

It worked!

Suddenly Jill's arms were around me, and Eddie patted me on the back. Sonya smiled and said, "It really works. It's one thing to know it does, but it's something else altogether to see it with your own eyes."

Benny grimaced and spit into a cup next to him. "And it's another still to taste it." He spit again and then took a sip of water Dimitri handed him. "Now what? You still need to get whatever magic is in his blood out of him and into the rest of the population. Preferably not all of the population," he added wryly, "because then I'd starve to death."

Sonya smiled, still excited over seeing the proof that her vaccine was really coming to life. "It'd be a Moroi vaccine. And probably dhampir. Humans wouldn't need it, since they're rarely targeted by Strigoi anyway."

Benny shrugged. "They're targeted more than you would think. Easy prey, though they don't taste as good. But vaccinating Moroi and dhampir will be effective enough. Better to leave the feeders alone."

I think everyone in the room flinched at his callous reference to humans being killed, especially the former Strigoi in the room. Suddenly I understood why Eddie was on his guard with this guy. Did he just not care about the lives he'd taken while he was a monster? Or was bluntness his way of dealing with the guilt?

Benny noticed the looks, but only shrugged. "You don't live two hundred years without looking death straight in the eyes a time or two. It's the nature of the world."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "Two hundred... Two hundred what?"

"Isn't it cool?" Jill exclaimed excitedly, grabbing my arm. "Benedict is, like, super old. He was turned Strigoi, like, two centuries ago! I mean," she flushed, giving Benny an apologetic glance, "it's not cool that you were turned. Just cool that you're so old."

I really took in the guy in front of me for the first time. He had long, dark hair, similar to Dimitri's, with a sharp nose and pale blue eyes. That oddness that I'd noticed when he smiled struck me again. It was because of his eyes. Because they looked older than his body. If I had to guess, I'd say he was verging on thirty, but his eyes held knowledge unattainable in just three decades. An old soul, I supposed. One created after being rescued by a spirit user.

"When were you saved?" I asked, curiously.

"Almost sixty years ago," he replied. His voice took on an almost dreamlike quality as he spoke. "My Isabel saved me. She, too, was experimenting with spirit. At that time I wasn't as willing a test subject, but it was for the best." He sighed. "I wish she could see what you kids are doing here."

"What happened to her?" Lissa asked gently as she moved over to take the seat beside Jill.

"She grew old and passed on." Benny sounded sad about it, but not grief stricken. "She aged the way mortals do, and died peacefully." He sighed again. "She saved me from killing for eternity, but she couldn't save me from the mark all that killing left on my soul. I've aged since she left me, almost a decade. But it isn't fast enough. Not nearly fast enough to catch up to her."

I cast a glance towards Sonya and Dimitri, wondering how Benny's story was effecting them. They'd both been Strigoi and both had mortal lovers who might beat them to the grave just because their souls hadn't been marred. At least, according to this two hundred year old ex-Strigoi. I was startled to see Olive was the only one with a horrified look on her face. With everything going on, had no one explained to her how her aging would be affected by the transformation she'd undergone?

"So I'll still live forever? Even though I'm mortal again?" she demanded, frantically glancing between me, Sonya and Benny.

"No, sweetheart," Benny explained. "You'll age, but it will be slower. It differs from person to person as far as I can tell. How long were you turned?"

"I don't know," she said, and her voice wavered. "About three months, I think."

Benny smiled, trying to set her at ease. "It shouldn't be as obvious in you, then. You'll probably live a little longer than you would have, but not noticeably so. It seems to be based on how long you were Strigoi before you were turned back. I was Strigoi for a long while."

Olive nodded, and Neil squeezed her hand, giving her a small smile. Dimitri also looked relived. He'd been Strigoi longer than Olive, but still, it had only been a matter of months. He didn't have to worry about losing Rose to old age, just her own recklessness. Sonya, despite having the most cause for concern seeing as she'd spent years as a Strigoi, put on a brave face. I could tell from her aura this news wasn't shocking to her. She'd already figured out as much on her own.

"But every new wrinkle in my skin brings me closer to my Isabel," he said, glancing down at the skin on the back of his hands. "I am okay with this destiny, as long as I am me again. And I am glad that I can contribute to your research in any way I can. Helping you stop the Strigoi is a good reason to live this long."

"Well, we're happy to have your help," Lissa interjected with a smile. "Any aid or knowledge you can contribute would be greatly appreciated."

The meeting wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Rose and Dimitri were off duty today so they took off as soon as we finished up. Jill and Eddie walked out with Christian talking about lunch. Neil and Olive left with Nina in tow, despite her attempts to start a conversation with me. I gave her a small smile, claiming I needed to speak with Lissa about something. It was true, I did want to talk to Lissa about something, but mostly, I just wanted to avoid Nina and her flirty smiles. If Rose had still been there, I was sure she would have smacked me and forced me to go get coffee with Nina. But there was only one girl I wanted to get coffee with.

As Sonya walked out with Benny, discussing the next step in our experiments—injecting Neil's blood into another test subject—I approached Lissa.

"Can you believe that?" she smiled at me. "Two hundred years old! When he first showed up he said it only made sense a child queen was going to be the one to discover a cure for Strigoi. That adults had too many of their own political agendas to worry about saving the world." She laughed. "I still can't believe it works. We're really doing it. And it's all thanks to you."

I looked away, uncomfortable with the praise. I didn't deserve it. "Sonya's the one who's getting things done. I just do what she tells me."

Lissa's smile faltered. "That's not true, Adrian."

I waved her off. "I have something I need to talk to you about."

I'd been going over my talk with Rose ever since she'd left yesterday. She was right about spirit not helping in my search for Sydney. And maybe she was even right about me letting spirit win, but I couldn't think about giving it up right now. I could, however, ask Lissa to try her hand at locating Sydney one more time.

Her smile faded completely now. "Please tell me this isn't about Sydney again."

"We have to help her," I argued. We'd discussed this many times since I arrived at Court, and many times before that. But she refused to use her queenly powers to help find Sydney. I'd already told myself it was useless to ask for her help again, but what else could I do?

"Look, Adrian. I'm sorry, okay. But Sydney is an Alchemist. I've told you, I can't tell them or her what to do. The only thing they'll tell me is that she's been reassigned. They won't put me in touch with her, no matter how many excuses I give. And, after everything that happened last time she was here, I don't think she'd want to come back even if we could get in touch with her."

Last time Sydney and I had been at Court she'd been attacked by a group of guys I used to know. They'd wanted to drug her and feed from her. I didn't doubt Lissa had a point, but I knew for a fact Sydney would choose the relatively minimal dangers of vampires sucking her blood over whatever the Alchemists were doing to her any day.

"Liss, she's being held prisoner by them. How many times—"

"I know that's what you and Jill believe, but Eddie said she went with them willingly enough. He said she tricked him and turned herself in to her father."

"Because they had guns and were shooting at Eddie! Sydney would do anything to protect Eddie, he's her friend."

Lissa sighed. "There's still nothing I can do. I'm sorry about that, and I have tried to help, but there's nothing left to be done. You still can't find her in a dream?"

"Nothing," I said. "A murky black cloud that refuses to let me through. They're giving her something."

Lissa nodded. "Maybe, but we can't be sure. We can't be sure of anything. That's why it's a lost cause." She gave me a hard look. "Rose is worried about you. Sonya too. Even Dimitri's said you're out of control."

I don't know what made me angrier: Lissa saying Sydney was a lost cause or Belikov calling me out of control. "So I'm supposed to pretend like she's not in trouble, just so Rose and Belikov feel better?"

"No! Of course not," Lissa said. "But you need to take care of yourself too. Adrian, please. I hate seeing you this way. We all do. And you're not helping Sydney this way either."

It was exactly what Rose had said. What? Did they have a group discussion about what to say to me?

"Well, I'm trying," I snapped. "That's more than I can say for any of you."

A knock on the door startled us both, just as Lissa was about to say something. Jill peeked her head in.

"Hey," she said, her eyes darting back and forth between us. "Can I come in?"

I started to tell her no, even if she was already aware of our conversation through the bond, but Lissa waved her in.

"It's good you stopped by. I was just talking to Adrian—which I'm sure you already knew," Lissa said, as she remembered the bond. Then she glanced back at me. "Adrian, please. You need to get over this and at least think about Jill if you won't think about yourself."

Jill looked as taken back as I felt, or maybe that was because she was feeling exactly how I felt. "Lissa," she said slowly, still awkward around her half-sister. "Adrian does think about me, but I can take care of myself. Sydney needs his help right now. She needs all of our help."

"Oh, please, don't you start too. Not again, okay?" Lissa shook her head and looked at me. "I'm sorry that there's nothing I can do, but there's nothing I can do. You're using too much spirit, drinking too much to minimize the effects. Don't think I haven't noticed how it effects Jill."

"Don't try to use me to guilt him," Jill exclaimed in a rare show of standing up to Lissa. "I told you, I can take care of myself."

"If I stop trying to find her then she has no one else," I said. "Her own father put her there. I'm one of three people in this world who care enough to try to find her, and I won't stop. I can't do that to her."

"What about Jill?" Lissa asked. "What can you do to her? Let her watch—feel!—you go insane from spirit? Let her feel every hangover you have? This obsession needs to stop, Adrian."

"Obsession?" I demanded.

"Yes, obsession." Lissa turned her chin up and stared me down, even though I was a full head taller than her. "I've said it a million times. I'm sorry for what happened to Sydney. That she's in trouble for helping us. But I can't help her, you can't help her. And this obsession you've developed is only hurting you and Jill."

"That's not fair," Jill defended me. "He's trying to help our friend and you're condemning him."

"I'm not," Lissa said and her shoulders slumped. "I just don't want to see either of you hurting yourselves. I care about you both too much."

I knew where Lissa was coming from, I did, but it didn't matter. I'd do anything to find Sydney. But I couldn't argue with her anymore about it. She couldn't help me, she'd told me a hundred times already and I'd simply refused to listen.

Jill's pale green eyes, so similar to Lissa's, teared up as she looked at her sister. I realized this was probably the first time Lissa admitted to having any sort of affectionate feelings towards Jill. It wasn't that she didn't obviously care about her, just that Jill had never heard her actually say the words before.

"I'm sorry," Lissa said one last time, as I turned to leave the two of them together. They had sisterly things to discuss.

Lissa and Rose's words tangled together in my head, but it was Sydney's beautiful voice whispering them to me. _Take care of yourself, let someone else handle it. Obsession._

I was overusing spirit and it was catching up to me. Maybe I did need to take a break. I still had the pills. Maybe if I took them I'd be able to think straight and come up with some sort of a solid plan.

_So you're giving up_? Sydney asked. Her melodic voice sounding in my brain like a siren's call, leading me away from the safety of the pills and into the deadly, churning fray of spirit.

"I'll never give up," I promised. Then I headed back to my house, determined to find her in a spirit dream.


End file.
